the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
