if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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