remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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