if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
