my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
