Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
