it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
