So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
