I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
