I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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