i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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