Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
