When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
