Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
