I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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