i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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