the condom got lost in my hair
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dignity is for republicans.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
