You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
