It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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