I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
