I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
