Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
