You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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