I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
