My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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