I showed him my bush... on skype.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
