fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
