Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
