Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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