if only i could text you this smell
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
