I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
