i don't like sucking hair
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
