i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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