I just pynch a tree in the face
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
