there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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