Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
