Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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