watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
