we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
