Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
