So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm bleeding and have questions
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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