y did u give ur computer a hand job?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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