I need to stop coming to work sober
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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