My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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