Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
