i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
