if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
