Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
