I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Please, let me fuck your mom
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
