Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
