we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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