and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
