Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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