Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
