why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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