I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize