did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
