I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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