the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
