So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
