I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
