SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
