i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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