All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
