im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
