if only i could text you this smell
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
